While divorce is a sign of freedom for couples in a bad relationship, it leaves scars on the minds of both partners. Divorce is not a new phenomenon, as many would have us believe. People have been getting into marriage and walking out of it from times immemorial.

Nevertheless, divorce is not something pleasant. It means that two people who had got together, for right or wrong reasons, couldn’t make it work and have come to the point of breaking it up.

Divorce is always sad. That is why even the law gives time for the couple to think it over.

But, if you have read any of my other articles, you will know that I am not one for looking at the past to see who we can blame. What does interest me is looking forward - to see how you can make the best of a bad situation.

The accent should be on damage control if, for whatever reason, divorce has happened, or is going to happen.

And, the priority should be to make all efforts to minimize its impact on the kids. Here are some suggestions on how to do that:

1. Ideally, parents should not get divorced because children want to live with both parents in a loving and caring home. That is a responsibility you have towards them.

But, if your relationship is getting sour, for whatever reason, be honest about it. Deluding yourself or sweeping it under the carpet won’t help. Face it and if you feel the need, ask for help - first for yourself, and then jointly as a couple. Make one more attempt to re-kindle the love you once had.

This does not imply that you should continue in an abusive relationship ‘only for the sake of the children.’ If the reason for divorce is continuing violence, drug abuse, acrimony, and other such things, then the sooner you get out of it the better for all who are affected by it.

2. There are two ways of separating: one is to fight and create an ugly scene and the other is to be mature and handle it amicably. First of all, come to a joint decision that it is the best option in the given situation. And, as far as possible, try to avoid long court battles and custody disputes because they not only cost the earth but shatter your spirit. At this time you need all the positive energy to move on in life rather than get bogged down by deep wounds. Moreover, this is setting a bad example before the children who have their own problems of dealing with the prospect of losing the company of one parent.

3. Even if the other person has hurt you badly, he is still the parent of your child. And no child likes to hear bad things about their parents. Be honest with your children and answer their questions as dispassionately as you can, even though it may not be easy at times. Also, you need to reassure them that you are not going to leave too. Most children feel abandoned.

4. At the same time, do not defend the other parent if he/she proves to be constantly unreliable - not turning up for visits when promised, failing to send cards and presents, etc. Your child will be deeply disappointed, hurt, perplexed, and will believe (s)he must have done something wrong. Make it quite clear that it is NOT your child's fault that you separated, nor their fault that the other parent is so unreliable.

5. However badly hurt or angry you might be, encourage your children to keep in contact (visits, phone calls, letters) with the other parent for as long as it is a positive experience for them. They need that. However much you might despise your ex, do not poison your child's relationship with him/her.

6. Never send messages to the other parent through your children. If you have something to communicate, pick up the phone and say it; don’t involve your children in your fights and arguments.

7. In case the other parent is really harmful or abusive, protect your child by all means, but make sure your opinion is not based on your prejudices.

8. Joint custody, in which the child spends three days a week in one home and 4 days in the other almost never works. Children need a consistent place to call home, not to be batted back and forth between the two places. But if the other parent really is in a better position (emotinoally, financially, whatever) to look after the kids - then for their sake permit it! (Yes, I know that is hard, but it is time to be grown-up about all of this.) Also, do not try to control the parenting style or rules that your ex uses. You look after the parenting in your house and leave them to look after the parenting in their house.

9. Children are not prepared to see someone else taking the place of their parent. So, be sensitive about bringing strangers into the home. Children keep hoping that their parents will get back together some day. Don’t kill their hopes.

10. Above all, work on yourself. Learn from the experience, heal from the wounds, and by setting an example teach your children how to overcome a bad situation and turn it into a good one. If it doesn’t kill you, you will come out of it stronger. That’s the lesson your children will learn and have hope instead of despair about human relationships.

Will your children suffer from your divorce? It all depends on how you handle it. But if you can maintain a calm, adult, relationship with your ex, so that you can talk sensibly about visiting times, school progress, etc, even if you can't live together, then you children can do very well.

All you have to do is be a good parent to the best of your ability.